De-Nial...Not just a river in Egypt

I've been avoiding this blog post for a long time now. Months. The reason for this is because I haven't wanted to lose hope. I haven't wanted to vocalize my fears. I certainly didn't want them in black and white. But I'm starting to feel the pinch. I'm hearing that little voice in the back of my head that tells me to be honest. Honest. True. Brutal.

I can't write. It's not that I feel I don't have the ability. I simply can't put words onto paper in a story fashion. Just can not do it. My ideas are all stale. I don't feel that passion. The urge to return to my characters...gone. The glimmer of a new setting, a better dialog or a new conflict is not even present.

I'm usually ever optimistic. I usually know that I'm in a rough patch, a stressful place, a disorganized mess. I don't have the answers this time. I can't pin it down. I'm a little lost, friends. I don't feel like a writer. *tear*

The really brutal truth is that I'm not feeling like myself in very many areas lately. I'm feeling a little crowded. At the risk of sounding like a person with Multiple Personality Disorder; it seems that too many personalities are fighting for the stage. I work at a job that requires a constant smile, something friendly to say at any given moment. I do well at this job, as I'm naturally outgoing and sociable. I'm a wife to a man with a painful disability and while I excel at this job, he's in more pain each day with juggling three kids, one of them more demanding than the worst customer I've ever had, but we need the financial addition badly. I'm losing my ability to be a good friend, I feel it daily. How much longer can I expect my kids to deal with half of my attention? How long can I deal with feeling like I'm never alone? I'm never just me.

And don't get me started on all the guilt with the feelings I've described above. How selfish? I'm married, I'm a mother, I'm a waitress, and I used to love to write. Now who am I?

Friday's Letters to Life

Dear Weather,
I love you right now. The cool nights and dew kissed mornings are about all that keep me going. That fantastic lightning show on Sunday? Totally awesome. However....whatever pollen or mold you bring with you is horrid. Please make it go away. I'm sick of the uncontrollable cough at the most inappropriate times, runny nose that makes me resemble a crack head and voice that sounds like Janis Joplin. Okay, maybe I could keep the voice.

Adoringly, snot-filled yours,
Kristi

Dear Disney channel On Demand,
Please. Pretty please. For the love of my sanity, please allow more than the same four episodes of Little Einstein's and Imagination Movers on the On Demand channel. The prince knows them by heart. It was adorable for a moment. I'm now speaking in rhymes, dreaming in symphonies and oh hell.....it's killing me!

On Playback,
Kristi, the ever attentive mother

Dear Fall line-up on television, including football,
Curses! When do you expect me to get anything done with all these new shows?? Not to mention my old time favorites are always playing in the fall. Did you not get that memo about NaNoWriMo? Let me explain it again: 50,000 words in 30 days=no television, eating or sleeping. And your cable companies charge too much for DVR.

Hopelessly Addicted and now Anxiety Ridden,
Kristi

Dear Children,
Keep it up and you know what's going to happen......

The evil mother

Thursday's Random Rant....

Not that I want to make ranting a weekly event....(even though I really could with all my little pet peeves and strange observations in my life lately....)

Cell Phones...love 'em? Hate em? Can't live without 'em? I enjoy my cell phone...mostly for making phone calls. Rarely do I access the internet or do anything else it may be capable of. I didn't realize I could watch tv episodes on it until after I'd had it for 9 months. It's great that I can access the internet in a pinch or if I'm terribly bored somewhere alone. Key word....ALONE.

Here's the deal. As a waitress, the cell phone obsession is glaring me in the face. I probably won't win. But I'm going to try. Does anyone remember a little thing called Phone Ettiquette? I was not even allowed to answer the phone as a kid in my home until I knew the proper way to handle a phone call. Never say, "who is this?" But..."May I ask who is calling?" Never did I speak on the phone during dinner or family time. But for some reason since phones have become mobile...all manners are null and void.

I walked up to greet a table last night where a mother and her teenage son had just sat down with menus.
"Hi! How are you guys tonight?" I set napkins in front of them to hold their drinks once I get the order.
They barely glance away from their phones. "Just fine," says Mother.
"Uh," says the son.
"Can I offer you an Ice Tea, Coca-Cola product or House Margarita from the bar tonight?"
long pause.
"Uhm, I'll just have sweet tea."
"Coke."
"Alright, I will be right back with those drinks for you!"

In my head... "Seriously? You morons are out to eat together and nevermind the fact that you barely spoke or acknowledged your server...the person handling your meal time experience....you aren't even speaking to each other!!! Argh! Cell Phones are EVIL."

The other scenario is that I'll walk up to ask a co-worker a question and they say "hang on" as they sneak out their cell phone and text a friend. (Cell phones aren't allowed for employees inside the restaurant...obviously not followed) I will usually walk away. Rude.

Here's another one. There's a car coming into my lane from the opposite side of the road!! AAAAA!!! They finally LOOK UP FROM THEIR PHONE and notice they're about to kill a family of three. Does this not make a person decide to STOP using the phone while driving?

I'm going to give these scenarios the benefit of the doubt that they don't realize how disgusting this behavior is until it's shown to them. I'm showing you. See. Up there. Don't forget about the real people in your life because of the amazing abilities of a phone.

Monday Love

I will be posting some shiny new pictures soon.......

You know why?

Do you?

Well, I'm going to tell you......

I GOT A NEW COMPUTER!!!!

Yes! It has more than enough RAM and the biggest HD I've ever heard of. Okay, so it's not THAT grand, but it is pretty darn close. CJ scrimped and saved behind my back! I'm so glad he did because when this came in the mail today, I jumped around and squealed like a little girl at Christmas. :0)

So, that's the wonderful shiny news.

The bad news is that I lose all of my bookmarked websites. *sigh* I really, really hate that. I'm not smart enough to know how to import that stuff from my other computer to this one. As it is, all I did was email myself the pictures and documents I had on my other computer and then downloaded it (in a jiffy!!) onto this one.

Minor enough, I'm over it and I can't wait to click around to everyone's websites and leave comments without having to wait for five minutes for the form to load. :0) YAY!!!