Friday, September 24, 2010

De-Nial...Not just a river in Egypt

I've been avoiding this blog post for a long time now. Months. The reason for this is because I haven't wanted to lose hope. I haven't wanted to vocalize my fears. I certainly didn't want them in black and white. But I'm starting to feel the pinch. I'm hearing that little voice in the back of my head that tells me to be honest. Honest. True. Brutal.

I can't write. It's not that I feel I don't have the ability. I simply can't put words onto paper in a story fashion. Just can not do it. My ideas are all stale. I don't feel that passion. The urge to return to my characters...gone. The glimmer of a new setting, a better dialog or a new conflict is not even present.

I'm usually ever optimistic. I usually know that I'm in a rough patch, a stressful place, a disorganized mess. I don't have the answers this time. I can't pin it down. I'm a little lost, friends. I don't feel like a writer. *tear*

The really brutal truth is that I'm not feeling like myself in very many areas lately. I'm feeling a little crowded. At the risk of sounding like a person with Multiple Personality Disorder; it seems that too many personalities are fighting for the stage. I work at a job that requires a constant smile, something friendly to say at any given moment. I do well at this job, as I'm naturally outgoing and sociable. I'm a wife to a man with a painful disability and while I excel at this job, he's in more pain each day with juggling three kids, one of them more demanding than the worst customer I've ever had, but we need the financial addition badly. I'm losing my ability to be a good friend, I feel it daily. How much longer can I expect my kids to deal with half of my attention? How long can I deal with feeling like I'm never alone? I'm never just me.

And don't get me started on all the guilt with the feelings I've described above. How selfish? I'm married, I'm a mother, I'm a waitress, and I used to love to write. Now who am I?


  1. It definitely sounds like you need to walk away from writing right now or take a vacation from it. You need to write because it's like air for you, not because you feel like you have to. If it's meant to be, the magic will return. But you need to take care of yourself first.

  2. Set it aside for now. You can come back later. Let yourself live. You've got a lot you're dealing with. Do it guilt free.
    All the best,

  3. Oh, Kristi! Your family and job are so important, and you are good at what you do. Continue to make them a priority and let everything else go for a while. You need to carve away as many of the guilt "things" as you can so you can feel lighter, brighter. We're here and we love you - no matter what.

  4. You are a bright strong beautiful creative woman who is going through a rough patch right now. You are joining the rest of us who have shared in those struggles and is fighting to find the balance.

    Walk away from the writing. Do what needs to be done in your "real" life. Strangely enough, the universe will loosen up, your life will get back on track, and you will find those quiet moments to do what you love.

    Don't worry, please don't worry, it WILL work out for the best. God doesn't give us anything we can't handle.

  5. What are you? Tired. Strong. Helpful. Kind. Tired. Giving. Caring. Tired. Creative. Loving. Did I mention tired?

    Take care of yourself. Real life comes first. Relax and enjoy some of it. The words will always be there when you're able to give them the time and energy.

  6. Hang in there, and don't give up! Take a break from your writing until you feel you can come back to it with fresh eyes and a fresh mind. The passion and drive is still in there . . . just buried under the muck of real life.

  7. Hey Kristi,

    Sometimes I feel like I have writer's bi-polar disease. I am up and writing like crazy, feeling confident, creative, hopeful. Then the come down-I can't write, I'll never be published, I have no more ideas. It's like a cycle for me-up, down, up, down.

    When the down comes, I just take a break from writing. Eventually, the drive and passion and creativity come back. Sometimes it takes a few months, but it always comes back eventually.

    Take a break from writing but don't close any doors. Just keep yourself as open as you can.


  8. Kristi - I have so been where you are!! It's exhausting being everything to everyone and having little of yourself for you.

    I'm completely not in the camp that if you are a writer you have to write to breathe. Sometimes, I think you need to take a break to breathe to come back and write.

    You know what I love so much about writing? You can do it when you're 90. You can START doing it when you're 90. And the more life you live, the more depth you bring to that writing.

    On the internet it feels like you have to do it right now. The time is flying by. Your open window is closing. Tomorrow, who knows if books will even exist anymore?? HOGWASH! Books will always be there. Publishing will always be an option. And when you are ready, the book inside you will be too.

    Take a break. Deal with life. Find your smile that is real and honest instead of for someone else. If you feel bad about yourself and your life, of course you'll feel bad about your writing. When you feel better - when you can breathe easier - you'll write better, and love it more.

    You first. Writing whenever it makes your life better... not worse.


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