This is a feature I planned to post on my other blog-but I'm shutting that one down so I can make sure I'm not blogging more than I'm writing and working and you know....other life stuff. :0) Wednesday WIP is where I'll show you before and after drafts of a paragraph or even a page. Who knows?
Sweat gathered at Moira's temples as she kicked high and connected with her opponent's ribs. He grunted and moved towards her. She took two steps back, panting. His foot pounded her hip and she cried out but stayed on her feet. He avoided her right hook and left uppercut, but she felt a satisfying thud when her glove landed on his temple. He stumbled to the side and she stepped in for the final hit. He blocked her again and she danced to the right. She dodged with her right leg lifted intending to kick his ribs and keep him down on the ground.
Okay...the writing isn't horrible, but it's not stellar. I also had a lot of people that found it uncomfortable to be thrown into the scene like this. I had a couple of folks reading it and stopped to ask me three or four questions before continuing and even suggesting that I suggest more backstory. So, here is what I tried
Moira trained at this warehouse for the last six months with Braden Spillman and this morning held no promise for anything different. The only sounds filling the vast metal building were those of punishment and pain. She panted as she blocked a kick from Braden. Her lungs screamed for more air, but she threw a right hook and felt the satisfying thud of connection. Six months ago, she wouldn't have been able to stand up and fight anyone; let alone some man that stood a foot taller than she.
He grunted and moved back three steps. Her calves burned from dancing on her toes. Braden was pushing her hard today. She rushed in for a high kick. In one swift move he had her by the leg and left arm and she landed on her back.
Now, this is one of those passages that ended up re-written instead of only edited a bit here and there. What do you think? How do you feel when you re-write a scene? Do you miss the old one?
I think this was greatly improved but you're right your first one wasn't badly written however something can always be changed when you look at your work!
ReplyDeleteIt's funny I went through this last night I was on the first set of revisions... Chapter One (EEK!!) and I just stared at the paper it wasn't until a friend told me to look away and grab some sweets I made myself and ice cream cone and that's when it hit me revising wasn't what I needed to do I needed to rewrite and though sometimes it's scary I took the leap of faith and it flowed so much more that I was amazed I made a story with the first beginning!! Change isn't a bad thing!
Okay that was a really cool transformation! Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteI do sometimes miss the old stuff, but as a whole, it's always so much better after rewrites. I've noticed the writing I'm usually the MOST attached to is a whole lot of telling. Don't know why that is, but so it is. I have to let go to show.