I wanted to thank Robyn Campbell and Uninvoked for stopping by and helping me see my paragraph in a new light. :) I can't tell you how much it helped, even to hear that it was well written. I don't have a critique group, YET, so there are times when I don't believe my husband's praise anymore. :)
And, to boost my ego further-or to get a little advice for free-I decided to post a little more of this novel in progress. This is the one I'm working on this month with the goal of 25000 words added to it. Speaking of goals, I almost forgot....
Today's WC GOAL: 1500
“Well, we’ve got a long drive to figure out the details. I’m not real thrilled about going back home either.” She stuffed the various clothes and toiletry items back into her suitcase and sat on it to latch the old brass lock.
Jarred let out a sigh and stormed into the living room. “I don’t see my backpack.”
“Anything other than cocaine in it?” she asked sarcastically.
“Yeah, my wallet and some clothes.” He shot back at her.
She studied his face and thought for a moment. He looked a lot like their mother. Audra had always wondered why she didn’t look like her mom or any of her brothers. She never had the opportunity of knowing if she looked like her father.
“Not important, we need to leave, now.”
He pouted, looking like the Jarred she remembered from so many years ago. She suppressed her laughter. It was not the time to be funny.
“Fine, I’ll go back with you, but when shit hits the fan don’t say I didn’t warn you,” he said.
She looked at him warily, empathizing with his desire to stay as far away from Georgia as possible. However, she knew the reality of it was that she couldn’t stay here and avoid some livid drug dealers looking for their drugs or their cash. She had neither to offer them. Audra stepped into the bathroom and quickly changed her clothes. It was hard for her to believe that driving to Pokenoe even existed on her agenda. The events of the past two days seemed too surreal to comprehend. She yanked open the bathroom door to find Jarred standing in front of her with pieces of her broken cell phone in his hands.
I've been so wrapped up in my own tech stuff, I've missed reading blogs lately! I'm so glad I came by here today!
ReplyDeleteYou know, I've come to realize that it's easy to see right off the bat - in a very short piece - whether someone has writing talent or not. Not the learning kind, but the raw talent that is a gift. You have it.
A nice piece of writing!
Heidi-I'm blown away, what an incredible compliment...what encouragement!! Thank you so much.
ReplyDeleteHow is all the tech stuff going? I know it's hard to balance all the tech stuff, the online friends, the blogging and then...oh yeah, our writing. LOL :)
Thanks so much, again.
The tech stuff - trailer, web design, blog redesign - is hopefully over for a while! This week I have to get a marketing plan in for Barnes and Noble, so I'm gathering specific places who can review, interview, publicize, etc. I really miss the writing, though! I hope to do some in a notebook at my daughter's swim lesson!
ReplyDeleteI like it. I'm no expert, but it has conflict, left me with questions, and makes me want to read on to know about these two.
ReplyDeleteThere are a few things I spotted and I hope you don't mind me getting editorish here. IF so, don't read on.
First, I'd suggest you write this in very close POV. That will tighten it, too.
ie. "However, she knew the reality..." For conciseness and to keep it in true close POV, it would read more as: "However, the reality is..." If we're in Audra's head, she isn't thinking "she knew", she's just thinking about the reality stuff.
And you've got quite a few "was" in this short passage. That makes it more passive, than active. If you want to get it more active, try eliminating one or two if possible.
I'd be interested in hearing what this story is all about. Escaping a drug ring?
I never mind when someone gets all editorial or opinionated or crtical of anything I write. I grow from it. You bring a great point to the table that I would never have noticed without your comment. Thank you-truly from the bottom of my heart, I appreciate your guidance, and I agree with you.
ReplyDeleteHmm-the drug ring happened out of nowhere-it began as a young girl who is forced to face her past in order to move on with her future. In a nutshell...which sounds cliche, doesn't it? I might have to work on that...
Hey Kristi, thanks for the shout out. I really think you have the makings of a great story here. I do agree with Eileen about those filler words. When I finished my MG novel my critique partner found almost 200 was words in it. AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH! This time around, I'm much more conscious of those types of EMPTY words that clog up your story with unneeded words.
ReplyDeleteAlso, you use the word she a lot. Use her name more. Every other time or so. I find myself liking Jarrid even though I know he's trouble. Maybe it's because he is Audra's brother and I really like her.
The end of the scene has me asking all kinds of questions. And that is what you want Kristi. You want the reader to have lots of questions about what is going on. That way they will be turning that page. Great job, my friend. Glad the letter thing helped. Ain't it a fun ride?
And I misspelled Jarred's name, poor guy. Sorry Jarred. :)
ReplyDelete