Friday, April 9, 2010

2 Paragraphs Entry TWO

These are the very first two paragraphs...

Jenna Lyons knew it would happen. She had come to count on it as a simple matter of fate or something more astrological in nature. She knew it from the moment dread began to weave itself into a heavy cloak around her body, tightening its grip on her until she felt suffocated. Though it was an unexplainable feeling more than concrete fact, Jenna knew she was hurtling toward the crossroads of a major turning point in her life just as sure as she was driving down a desolate stretch of Missouri highway. She’d traveled for too long without seeing so much as another car or house in the distant fields, let alone a sign or exit ramp that would lead her to a gas pump. So when her little toy of a car began to sputter, it came as no real surprise. She coaxed the car to the shoulder of the road, threw it in park, and wondered, not for the first time, what the Hell she was doing so far from home.
“Shit,” she muttered. Though Jenna had never cursed out loud in her life, she recognized the urgency of the situation and felt the moment warranted some airing of pent-up aggravation. And just to try it on for size, she let The Big One, the granddaddy of all curse words, slip. The word made her smile with relief and a sense of satisfaction, and she said it again and again as she pounded the flat part of her hand against the steering wheel. And when Jenna had exhausted the novelty of the bad word, she laid on the horn and screamed the scream of a woman at the end of her rope, feeling the delectable feeling of anger exiting her body like the steady hiss of air from a punctured tire. 


  1. Ooh. It didn't break down, it was stuck in traffic, but other than that, I think I was in that car yesterday.

  2. Wow. I am drawn in and hooked. I love this. :-)

  3. This captures a feeling everyone has experienced in a unique and fascinating way. I like it and would definitely read more. :0) The only place I stumbled was the last sentence. It just didn't sit right...the wording of delectable with anger and the steady hiss of air from a tire. It seems almost TOO related to her car breaking down. Does that make sense? I could just be crazy. :)

  4. So funny, Kristi - that last line was my favorite!

    There is good writing here, but the beginning is a whole bunch of unnecessary words that take too much time saying the same thing over and over before getting to the action. I'd cut sentences 2,3, and 4. You don't need them. And the smiling while cursing seemed a little strange, even though I get what you mean.

    The second paragraph though is well done, and very relate-able! I'd keep reading to find out what happens, because this is clearly the beginning of something!

  5. I like this a lot.

    I agree with Heidi in that it could be tightened into two shorter paragraphs, and there's some tell vs. show going on.

    But, overall I like the voice and can relate. I'd definitely read on!

  6. Good voice, can really sense her personality. I like how you describe the "bad word" and leave it to the imagination what exactly it is.

    I have to agree that the first paragraph is wordy and repetitive in the sentiment. You've written her frustration so well it needs few words to get it.

    I'm definitely engaged and would like to know what her life changing experience is going to be and why she is basically running away from home.

    Awesome entry. Thanks for sharing it.


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