Today was his sister’s birthday. He hated princess parties. Molly had spent all morning picking out the perfect party dress. Then she made Mom do her hair in three different ponytails before deciding it looked “right”. Whatever. Hair is hair. But the worst part came when the other girls showed up. Ugh! Could a party be more boring?
Friday, April 9, 2010
2 Paragraphs Entry THREE
It had taken two days of digging, but Scott finally had a small cup full of worms. He only kept the best ones - long and fat and slimy. This cup of worms was his best yet. He was sure that if worm collecting was an Olympic sport, this cup would be a gold medal winner.
Today was his sister’s birthday. He hated princess parties. Molly had spent all morning picking out the perfect party dress. Then she made Mom do her hair in three different ponytails before deciding it looked “right”. Whatever. Hair is hair. But the worst part came when the other girls showed up. Ugh! Could a party be more boring?
Today was his sister’s birthday. He hated princess parties. Molly had spent all morning picking out the perfect party dress. Then she made Mom do her hair in three different ponytails before deciding it looked “right”. Whatever. Hair is hair. But the worst part came when the other girls showed up. Ugh! Could a party be more boring?
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This one sucks me in too.....
ReplyDeleteI adore this voice. :0) The only thing I would change is the two ands in long and fat and slimy. Long, fat and super slimy! even to exaggerate the boy voice, which is adorable!! I would read more!
ReplyDeleteI think the writing in these paragraphs feels very smooth and well-written, but they don't go together. Are they supposed to be two continuous paragraphs? It feels like two separate incidences.
ReplyDeletethis might be a case of must read in context. I do like the voice though, and I think the writing is very good.
I'm in, I loved it!
ReplyDeleteI'd cut the "He was sure that" from the beginning of the 4th sentence. He sounds more young boy confident without, if that makes sense.
Sounds like a naughty little boy; his age comes through so clearly. I'm thinking in the next paragraph, you'll tell us if he is digging worms to drop into his sister's food or something.
ReplyDeleteIn the first paragraph I thought maybe a fishing trip with dad; and the second made him seem pouty; vindictive. Getting even with an older sister is a perfectly normal reason for that naughty feel.
I liked to way the worm description was written because I could hear my own son's voice saying something similar. But I have to agree "he was sure that" didn't fit the voice here. It sounded too much like the author giving info.
Very good character and setting building here though.
.......dhole