tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19177238389402380.post4663146817228620602..comments2023-09-30T01:18:33.562-04:00Comments on R.A.W. **Random Acts of Writing**: 2 Paragraphs Entry THREEKristi Faithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17527544253341529009noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19177238389402380.post-9579031401923246202010-04-11T01:57:25.519-04:002010-04-11T01:57:25.519-04:00Sounds like a naughty little boy; his age comes th...Sounds like a naughty little boy; his age comes through so clearly. I'm thinking in the next paragraph, you'll tell us if he is digging worms to drop into his sister's food or something. <br /><br />In the first paragraph I thought maybe a fishing trip with dad; and the second made him seem pouty; vindictive. Getting even with an older sister is a perfectly normal reason for that naughty feel.<br /><br />I liked to way the worm description was written because I could hear my own son's voice saying something similar. But I have to agree "he was sure that" didn't fit the voice here. It sounded too much like the author giving info.<br /><br />Very good character and setting building here though.<br /><br />.......dholedolorahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08715849844092553699noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19177238389402380.post-43301090454590947662010-04-09T19:25:38.270-04:002010-04-09T19:25:38.270-04:00I'm in, I loved it!
I'd cut the "He ...I'm in, I loved it!<br /><br />I'd cut the "He was sure that" from the beginning of the 4th sentence. He sounds more young boy confident without, if that makes sense.Tarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09008153523366719973noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19177238389402380.post-65914220212074599552010-04-09T14:48:57.149-04:002010-04-09T14:48:57.149-04:00I think the writing in these paragraphs feels very...I think the writing in these paragraphs feels very smooth and well-written, but they don't go together. Are they supposed to be two continuous paragraphs? It feels like two separate incidences.<br /><br />this might be a case of must read in context. I do like the voice though, and I think the writing is very good.Heidi Willishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18420802651029097379noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19177238389402380.post-435731290861211822010-04-09T14:03:31.974-04:002010-04-09T14:03:31.974-04:00I adore this voice. :0) The only thing I would cha...I adore this voice. :0) The only thing I would change is the two ands in long and fat and slimy. Long, fat and super slimy! even to exaggerate the boy voice, which is adorable!! I would read more!Kristi Faithhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17527544253341529009noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19177238389402380.post-75139523410883400412010-04-09T06:52:24.100-04:002010-04-09T06:52:24.100-04:00This one sucks me in too.....This one sucks me in too.....People Who Know Me Would Say:https://www.blogger.com/profile/04621641188403948733noreply@blogger.com