Please be respectful in comments and informative. If you like it, tell us why! If not, I bet the author would really appreciate to know why...in a kind and constructive format, please!
Crap like that, Amy repeated to herself. She glanced under the counter. She hadn’t added the Foxy Lady tag to her key ring, but she had attached the one with her name on it. She didn’t consider it cheap crap. It wasn’t expensive, but she was sure Robert had put a lot of thought into the gifts he bought her. Christy looked like she was about ready to cry. Amy decided “crap” meant something precious to Christy.
The bell sounded and Amy turned to look as the fat cabbie oozed through the door. He came in every morning between 4:30 and 4:45 to cash in his nightly bank. Amy always held her last $100 in twenties drop in expectation of trading them for his ones and fives she desperately needed this time of morning.
I will reveal the authors of each entry on Saturday unless the author would like to add in the comments that this is theirs. DISCLAIMER: This is the fictional work of someone else! It is copyrighted by author!!
I love the voice in this - it really rings true! :-)
ReplyDeleteGreat descriptive of the fat cabbie 'oozing' through the door. :0) I love it...totally set me up to want to keep reading and find out more about this character.
ReplyDeleteYou have a very distinctive voice, and a strong one, which is such a huge part of the battle in writing well.
ReplyDeleteMy biggest trouble (which is probably a product of my tiny brain) is that there are a lot of names in a short space that I don't know and can't keep track of. I kept rereading to figure out who did what or thought what and how they were related. If all these characters are already introduced before this, though, that might not be a problem at all.
Also, Crap is used three times in the course of 7 sentences. It seemed like a lot to me. Maybe replace the middle one with a synonym?
But I like the idea here, too, and the way the characters are already being drawn in such a short time.
In a short space you've given a great voice.
ReplyDeleteThe last sentence read awkward to me. I can't put my finger on why, however.