Wednesday, June 9, 2010

WIP Wednesday

Opinions? Suggestions? I have a hard time describing a room. What about you?

She shook her head and pushed open the second door on her left. “I think this is awesome!”
            I walked in behind her and had to agree. Even with only candle light, the room was impressive in the leaping shadows of the flame. The bed was at least a King, if not larger. I’d never seen a bed so big. Next to each side of the bed stood ornately carved wooden nightstands that matched the carvings on the bed frame. I made out a rocking chair in the corner and a door leading to what I could only assume was a bathroom.
            “This is so my room. Don’t even think of stealing it!” She spun in a circle, almost blowing the flame in her candle out.
            “I bet they’re all like this, anyway.” I really hoped so. The more I thought of it, the more I wanted to hurry and find my room to be just as grand. Before I could leave the bedroom, I heard Bethany scream. I hadn’t noticed she wandered into the bathroom. I ran inside and stopped short when I saw the silly smile on her face while staring at the ceiling.
            I looked up and my breath caught. Millions of small crystals covered the ceiling and larger, odd shaped crystals seemed to be suspended in air. I couldn’t see anything they were attached to. It was the most amazing visual effect I had ever experienced. It beat the Halloween Doomsday Trail of Mirrors; and that was cool.
            “I think I will live in this bathroom,” she whispered.
            I tore my gaze away from the crystalline wonder and looked around us. There was no toilet, only a large tub with what appeared to be a tall round table.
            “This isn’t a bathroom, Bethany.”
            She finally moved her head down and took in the surroundings. There were windows all around the room with heavy black curtains covering them. From what I could tell, there were shelves lining the walls with books and trinkets.
            “This is wicked. I’ve never seen anything like it.”
            “I know. I wonder what it’s used for; some kind of ritual I bet.”
            Bethany punched me in the arm, hard. “Ellie Starr is not a Satanic!”
            “Ow! That hurt. And a ritual doesn’t mean it has to be Satanic. Praying is like a ritual. You know?”
            I rubbed my arm. “Well, I’m going to find my room.”
            “It better be next door,” she called after me. 


  1. I like this scene, but when reading this I sort of saw it in black and white. Have you considered adding color to the description somehow? I know it's dark and they are seeing everything by candle light, but maybe some color would help solidify the imagery? Like the crystals glowed purple in the pale yellow glow of the candle... (not a good example, I know). I know too many color references can be annoying, but I like a bit of color to sort of focus the visual for me.

    Of course, when I try and describe a room, it comes off like a realtor describing to snag a sale: "if you look to the left you'll see a couch and a chair, and across the way is the tv. And behind that is the book shelves, and did I mention the amazine picture windows that look out over the bay?" so my advice probably isn't worth much!

    Now I want to know what the cool room is used for...

  2. I took a class that recommended you only describe what is important, but create a picture with what you choose to describe. She used a library as an example and in not only describing the library she revealed about character. If you are describing from a characters viewpoint how they see something should also give you insight into them.

    I suck at description. One of my critique partners writes beautiful description. Very lyrical. I on the other hand struggle over every single word I try to insert to describe. And usually those words are flat and boring.

    But it's something I work on so eventually I just might get it.


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