Friday, April 9, 2010

2 Paragraphs Entry FIVE

He’d answered me--in both languages, flawlessly. The room seemed to
alternate between dark and light, the floor moving under my feet. I
heard Klara’s voice somewhere in the distance, but could not make out
the words. Are they English, I wondered, or Polish? One thing was for
sure: they weren't Russian.

My arm flailed out behind me, in hopes of finding the bar prior to my
head doing so. Before it happened, I felt fingers wrapping around my
arm. Long fingers, attached to a strong, male hand. I opened my mouth
to scream, unsure whether anything came out. Ice water flooded my body
as I gasped for air and looked up, trying to focus my eyes.

5 comments:

  1. I'm intrigued and would keep reading. :-)

    The sentence, "My arm flailed out behind me, in hopes of finding the bar prior to my head doing so." feels a little awkward. I would consider re-wording it a little.

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  2. This is the best of them I've read. I agreed with Shannon though, that sentence slowed me up.

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  3. I like this hook-the imagery is great. I get a feel for her fear right off the bat. I agree with Shannon about that sentence and would go so far as to suggest cutting out "prior to my head doing so" and combining with your next sentence. I think it would move at a faster pace that way. IMHO

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  4. I think this is totally a case of me being confused because it comes in the middle, and being one easily confused (like Pooh, I am a bear of very little brains), it made it hard to read. I kept trying to figure out who she was hearing, and how they were related to her, and where she was. Was the ice water literal or figurative? Was the bar a liquor kind of bar or ballet kind of bar? So I have trouble saying what it good and what I'd change.

    That said, however, if I knew all that (because I'd read up to this point) I think I would definitely read on, because clearly she's in trouble and something big is about to happen. The fact that there are several languages going on is also good.

    I think the suspense has probably been done very well, and the writing done well also. It's just hard for me to be sure without reading the rest.

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